Fuck This
I suffered a devastating loss. A gut punch that knocked the wind right out of me.
I couldn’t get off the couch for 6 days.
I couldn’t breathe it hurt so much.
The only reason I didn’t kill myself was because statistics are not in my favour.
Since I’m stuck here, and I can’t really live on the couch, I might as well start the work of healing. Again.
I thought I’d start writing about it.
Because talking and sharing apparently helps. But I’m not a fan.
But I’m getting so tired of waking up crying.
Crying and suffocating.
The pounding in my head hasn’t stopped since Tuesday. Feels like non stop construction going on all the time. Its so fucking loud.
I thought there was actual construction going on in the neighbourhood. I woke up to pee in the wee hours and thought theres construction happening outside at 2am! Not until mid morning the follow day did I realize the pounding was in my head.
Slow constant loud pounding in my head for 6 days.
Whoooop  Whoooop  Whooooop
Last week a doctor said to me, “… you’re suffering everyday.” Â And I made therapist person tear up. And that was when I thought I was doing pretty great. lol I was about to go on my dream vacation.. My childhood dream vacation. No wonder it turned into a nightmare.
Fuck me.
Fuck this.
It time I start being unapologetically authentic.
Living my truth. Sharing my truth.
I’ve been exposing a lot of myself lately
So I thought I’d expose a little of myself
#RebelintheRaw
The end of 2013 was so grey and gloomy. The previous holidays I lost my brother. Â I always feel stupid saying that, I didn’t lose him, he died. Â Unexpectedly. Somehow the pain of death always hurts more a year later.
And then just before the holidays.. more death.
It’s true, as you get older you know more dead people.
I don’t think the pain of someone you love dying gets any easier. Â It’s endless pain. Â You just learn to live with it.
But my family also got bigger. Â She, who shall hereafter be referred to as The Kid, joined our family. Â I loved her instantly. As I’m getting to know her I’m finding the kid to be a lot like me. Not just in appearance.
A wonderful and scary blessing.
Why don’t blessings ever just come in the form of surprise Porsches or large cash donations?
It has been quite a while since I fell into depression like that. Over the years I’ve come to understand and manage my depression.
Weeks of weepy days..
And then passive aggressive pity showed up.. Depression likes making that booty call to passive aggressive, to fuck itself even further.
Intellectually I’m aware of what I need to do to get out of my funk, but for the first time in years, I was too depressed to care.
Another phone call.. another friend in hospital.
And then, she got up off the porch..
I have work to do. There’s no time to be depressed. Too many people are dead or dying. Too many people hurt and hurting.
There’s lot of work to be done.
“the mission is to drudge
and un soil the gems from the sludge”